FAMILY STRONG

“Husbands and wives – mothers and fathers – will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

We gather here today to reflect on the past life and times of Responsibility, Accountability, and Commitment, especially in reference to their contributions to the institution of marriage.  It is with a heavy heart that I inform those present that these three pillars of familial strength simply outlived their usefulness.  They died a slow and painful death, evidenced by decades of increasing divorce rate statistics.  They were revered early on and for generations, but became resigned to their discarded state in recent times.  It is for these purposes that we gather to honor them here today. 

So, now that I have your attention…

Let us proceed.

I know, it’s sort of a silly way to begin this post.  However, it is also painfully accurate.  When did marriages and families, thriving on commitment to each other, become so easily cast aside?  Why did we make it so easy to leave a marriage, exiting stage left, whenever we had the slightest inkling that the winds of adversity would begin to blow?  Yes, it’s true that there need to be provisions in place providing a way for those in abusive marriages or other unique and warranted circumstances to leave those situations and restart their lives.  There is no question about that.  But I often wonder if we, as a society and legal system, haven’t done ourselves and future generations a grave disservice by making the process too accessible and too easy. 

You know, marriage isn’t easy.  It wasn’t ever meant to be easy.  Nothing truly worth having doesn’t require commitment, dedication, hard work, and sacrifice at some point – and usually all throughout.  However, when two people are truly all in for the duration, working together with mutual love and respect toward common goals, marriage is the healthiest and most rewarding endeavor – and the most important work – that anyone can achieve in this life or the next (for those of us who believe in the continuance of familial relationships in the next life).

I’m not really a fan of Barrack Obama, but the following quote highlights perfectly the ills that currently plague our world in reference to this subject.  It is a direct reflection of the fact that, as a people, overall, we do not have or value the levels of responsibility, accountability, or commitment that we once did.  He said:

“Any fool can have a child.  That doesn’t make you a father.  It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.”

How can we turn these tides?  How can we fix what we have broken when it comes to marriage, divorce, parenting, etc.  Here is my personal call to action:

• Teach the importance and value of commitment to marriage and parenting in homes, in schools, at church, within communities, and through governmental programs.

• Beginning with children and continuing throughout life, teach families and communities how to weather the storms of adversity and why they should.  Give them tools they can use, skills they can put into practice that will enable them to weather those storms together as families.  Teach them that this is possible and worthwhile.

• Require couples therapy, focusing on conflict resolution and healthy communication patterns, prior to finalization of divorce proceedings (with the obvious exceptions of instances of abuse, etc.).  Let us not forget the social science research shows that 90% of those who divorce regret having done so at some point, and the majority of those never seek counseling prior to divorcing.

• This one has high priority in my opinion – By all means, let us teach everyone, children and adults alike, the importance and ability of delaying personal gratification in all things.  Researchers have identified the ability to delay personal gratification in things such as spending, working instead of playing, etc. as one of the most important skills that a child can develop in determining their future success in all things.

• Of course, there are many more recommendations and things that can be done to instill important character traits.  At this time I would simply add one final suggestion which would be to review and implement the key principles for happiness outlines in The Family Proclamation (whether a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or not, and even if a person is not religious at all).  These principles are in line with those that professionals have found to contribute significantly to the happiness and stability for individuals and families alike.

“Fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

Equality.  We like it, we believe in it, and we all want it….right?

Equal rights.

Equity for all.

Equal pay.

Equal opportunity.

No exclusion.

No boundaries.

No limits.

Wait.  Wait just a minute, here.  When did the quest for equality and accountability become a free-for-all, do-what-you-want, be-what-you-want whether or not it’s right or even makes good sense because nobody has the right to speak your truth or make you accountable…..thing?  It is precisely another example of what can come from a good thing when there is too much of it, or when it is hijacked by extremist ideas. 

For example, when feminism became the issue during the 1960’s and 70’s, not everyone agreed with all of it, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that most people do believe that things such as compensation in the workplace should be determined by qualifications rather than a person’s sex.  However, we have gone from wanting equal rights for all to identifying equality as a person’s right to say, do, and be whatever they want without any fear of opposition or consequence whatsoever……..even if it isn’t wise or in the best interests of those around them, or society as a whole.  The bottom line is that we have become a society of individuals who simply don’t like being told we can’t do something (Well, Boo Hoo, and Wah to that).

To clarify my point, I’ll use the example of females in the military or firefighting professions.  I, myself, think it’s fantastic to have women in those professions.  However, as badly as they might want to, not every woman is going to be physically capable of carrying a man off the battlefield or out of a burning building.  Like it or not, that is just genetics and physics.  There is no way around it (And, personally, if I were trapped in a burning building, I wouldn’t want a female trying to carry me down six flights of stairs – not that I would refuse the assistance, but I think you see my point).  Some things simply don’t make good sense within the realm of equality, as badly as we may want them to.  An example involving men is the fact that men will never give birth to children.  Period.  It simply isn’t possible because, though men and women may want to be the same in everything, they are not and never will be the same.  I think we sometimes forget that there is nothing wrong with that.

Here’s the good news in all of this – YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE THE SAME TO BE EQUAL OR TO HAVE EQUALITY. 

Wait.  What?

I hear you.  It is an amazingly simple, yet profoundly shocking concept in today’s world – the idea that equality doesn’t necessarily mean being the same in everything.  Let’s think on this for a minute (You know, that thing people used to do when they actually thought for themselves instead of simply choosing their ideologies from the in-your-face, assimilate-or-be-persecuted, mock-those-who-don’t-join-us opinions and belief systems that are thrust upon all of us today). 

WHAT IF WE COULD BE EQUAL, BUT STILL CHOOSE TO FULFILL OUR UNIQUE PURPOSES IN LIFE? 

(Crickets chirping)

I can see the look of complete and utter confusion on your face right now.

Somewhere along the line, while in the trenches of the all-consuming fight for equality, people forgot that equality doesn’t always mean being exactly the same.  Specifically, equality in personal relationships is a state of value, interaction, and purpose.  When two people in a marriage value each other’s unique contributions, show that in the way they interact with each other, and work together (equally) toward common goals, THEY ARE EQUAL PARTNERS.  It matters not whether the man or the woman is a stay-at-home parent, whether one or both of them contribute financially, etc.  It only matters that they act like and treat each other as equals.  Because they are.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children….individuals who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”

Is it any wonder that 40-50% of first marriages eventually end in divorce, and that 60% of all second marriages end in divorce as well?  I think not.  It is certainly not a surprise plot twist for society, considering the focus and importance that the world, especially here in the United States, is placing on individualism.  Now, individualism in and of itself and as an ideal isn’t a bad thing.  In fact, it was partly the ideology of individualism that formed the underlying concept for this country in the first place.  However, as with any other good thing, too much of it eventually has the potential to produce negative effects.  Well, surprise!  If you haven’t already noticed and if you take a good look around, you will find yourself living somewhere between individualism and narcissism, in the United States of Selfishness, where what I want as an individual comes first, above all else.  And if I’m unhappy or unfulfilled in a marriage, I simply exercise my individualism and leave, rather than investing further in something I previously committed to.  After all, I only have one life to live, right?  I need to be fulfilled.  I want to be happy.  I don’t want to expend too much time or effort on until-death-do-we-part commitment.  I this and I that…..  I…  I…  I…  This mentality is nothing but rubbish.

All too often the “I” stands for Individualism (with an underlying “S” for Selfishness). 

Remember, individualistic thinking, within reason, is actually a good thing.  But when marriages and families are becoming so easily discarded in the quest for personal fulfillment, we have finally reached a point of critical mass where something must be done to refocus our priorities.  There needs to be a shift in thinking and values, back to a focus on the family unit wherein individuals have their own autonomy and identities but also value and work together for the familial collective good.  It is time for the pendulum to swing back to the midpoint between individualism and collectivism.  I’m going to get right on that myself, as well (As soon as I finish my hot yoga class, meet with my spiritualist, spend an hour at the spa, and update all four of my social media accounts with the perfect selfies.  Okay, just kidding, but you see my point).

Official Disclaimer:  In all fairness and to maintain balance in this “discussion”, I must clearly state that there is nothing wrong with personal goals, interests, pursuits, or identities.  In fact, they are necessary and healthy for our growth, development, and progression in life.  It becomes an issue for concern and consideration when a person’s individual pursuits override the needs and desires of everyone else around them, especially their families.  Or, in the case of many people today, when personal pursuits become so important that they choose to remain single, forego having a family, and become a walking advertisement for the selfish, narcissistic lifestyle. 

So, why is this balance and refocus so important for individuals, families, and societies?  And what can we do to begin moving in that direction, understanding that doing so does NOT require us to sacrifice every single trace of our narcissism (I mean, personal identity)?

1.  Well, first of all, a society made up entirely of single, childless, narcissists wouldn’t last long at all without an adequate population replacement rate.  Like it or not, whether or not the coming generations want families, it will be absolutely necessary for the survival of their Individualistic social media platforms.

2.  If this trend continues at current rates, there will be serious societal complications in the form of depressed economies, etc.

3.  The value of traditional marriage and family must become ingrained once again in the heart of our individuals and societies.  This must be taught in homes, in schools, and be evident within communities, supported by civic efforts.

4.  If we do not begin to re-establish healthy home environments and support systems, mental health will continue to decline, drug abuse and crime will continue to accelerate, and the confluence of these and other societal issues made worse by crumbling family values and structures will eventually collapse the systems currently in place to try to manage them.

5.  Aside from all of the above doom and gloom, we need to remember that research evidence supports the positive effects of healthy, stable familial relationships on individuals and families alike.  Attention all individualists:  Like it or not, science indicates that people in healthy, traditional marriages and families are healthier, happier, and more fulfilled than their selectively single, selfish, narcissistic counterparts.  Who knew?

6.  And for those of us who believe in and testify to the importance of The Family Proclamation, traditional marriage and families are not only the best option according to social scientists, but they are also ordained of God and required of all.

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

Just as my previous post on the value of traditional marriage, this one focuses on principles that may seem too traditional, or too religious (in reference to faith and prayer) for the tastes of some people.  However, while I often reference information from The Family Proclamation (which is a religious document), I try whenever possible to present extensive and credible research findings that provide empirical evidence of the value of such things.  I do this for several reasons.  One, I am an avid reader and researcher by nature, an overly curious mind that wants to fully understand things and make informed decisions.  Two, though I believe completely in personal confirmation of truth through prayer, I also believe it is important to be educated, to be informed, and to be able to discuss intelligently what I believe.  It just so happens that, in this case, there are literally years and years, and mounds and mounds, of research documentation and clinical evidence supporting the positive effects of these principles.  So, let’s do a quick review, then you can decide for yourself (religious or not) whether you believe the research and whether you want to apply these principles in your own relationships.

The Proclamation outlines nine specific principles which, if followed, will lead to “happiness in family life”.  More specifically, the document indicates that this happiness is more likely when people endeavor to live the teachings of Jesus Christ.  Clearly, the Savior lived a life filled with faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and even wholesome recreational activities (let us not forget that even Christ had an occupation as a carpenter, He spent time visiting family and friends, etc.).  Okay, here we go…

FAITH AND PRAYER

Social science has identified correlations between faith and the quality of family life (Successful Marriages and Families p. 185).  Religious community, religious practices, and religious beliefs have been examined in relation to their effects on families. 

• “With the exception of two religious groups (nontraditional conservatives and non-Christian faiths), holding any religious affiliation is associated with reduced odds of marital infidelity compared with those of no religious affiliation” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 186).
• Church attendance is significantly related to issues of fidelity and infidelity.  Attending church together is what matters here.  It appears that shared religious involvement has a preventive effect (Successful Marriages and Families p. 186).
• “Greater church attendance [is] related to lower rates of pornography use.”  It is also related to lower rates of domestic violence (Successful Marriages and Families p. 186).
• Conversely, differences in religious involvement appear to contribute to higher rates of conflict within and failure of marriages (Successful Marriages and Families p. 186).
• Religious involvement is connected to more positive behavioral outcomes in children  (Successful Marriages and Families p. 187).
• Religious practices (outward expressions of faith such as prayer, scripture study, rituals, and traditions) are linked with higher marital satisfaction (Successful Marriages and Families p. 189).
• Youth who are highly religious reported the highest-quality parent-child relationships in every area studied. (Successful Marriages and Families p. 190).
• A review of 64 studies indicated that 60 out of the 64 showed a connection between higher religious involvement and lower levels of depression (Successful Marriages and Families p. 191).

REPENTANCE AND FORGIVENESS

Though once considered strictly religious issues, “Mental health experts acknowledge that it is impossible to address emotional and physical well-being without considering the relevance of repentance and forgiveness” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 202).  Benefits to families and individuals include:

• Repairing damaged family relationships
• Better emotional and physical health
• Change in thoughts, emotions, motivations, and behaviors

RESPECT, LOVE, AND COMPASSION

Following the example of the life of the Savior, respect, love, and compassion were principles that He taught and lived always.  I don’t know of any person, therapist or layperson, religious or secular, who wouldn’t agree that any healthy, happy relationship must actively employ the principles of respect, love, and compassion in order to achieve happiness and success.

WORK AND HEALTHY RECREATION

Working together and playing together as families were mainstays, common practices in our society not so long ago.  It has only been in the last couple of generations, with changing work environments, changing familial roles, and the close proximity to friends as well as an endless possible entertainment options made possible by industrialization and urbanization that families primarily working and playing together started to shift and change.  Unfortunately, these changes have contributed to and facilitated families growing apart and spending less time together.  Of course, this often results in families who are not as close or bonded together.  Families who regularly find opportunities to work and play together experience increased closeness and appreciation for each other as they laugh, talk, serve, share, learn, and grow with each other.

“We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.”

My father was an educator.  He had shelves full of books, was an avid reader, and made sure to stay up on current events and issues.  Being my father’s daughter, also having a love of books and reading, I happened upon a book on abortion that I’m sure my father didn’t realize was anywhere that I might be searching for something to read.  I still remember the photographs of aborted babies that I saw on the pages of that book.  He immediately got rid of the book as soon as it came to his attention that I had come across it, like any good father would.  My family is religious, we are Christians, and to my knowledge all of us are pro-life and we were even then.  Abortion was a raging debate and issue during those years, and I’m sure that my father was dealing with comments and questions from his students regularly about that issue. 

I only bring this up to make my first point which is:  To this day, I still find it unfathomable that anyone could be alright with abortion knowing what happens to the unborn babies in the process.  Just knowing is bad enough, in my opinion.  However, I can tell you that seeing those images is the kind of disturbing that stays with you the rest of your life.  As I type that sentence, I automatically think and realize that those photos of life having been taken away will stay with me for the rest of mine.  You see, it really is all about that word.  LIFE. 

I will not engage in the pro-choice pro-life abortion debate.  Period.  Full stop.  That is not at all my objective or intention here.  You see, it is a very touchy and difficult issue even for a pro-lifer like me.  I am Christian.  I am pro-life.  I believe strongly the words of The Family Proclamation which state, “We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed.  We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.”  I also believe in a person’s right to exercise their own agency (as long as it does not remove the agency of another life in the process).  And I believe in being a law-abiding citizen – recognizing the laws put into place by our governmental and judicial systems.  Again, it isn’t my objective to debate or discuss in detail any of the finer points related to the issue.  With the exception of one. 

Sanctity of life.  SANCTITY.  OF.  LIFE.  What does that mean? 

It’s very simple.  It means that life and the creation thereof is sacred.  Holy.  Valued above all else, for those of you who are uncomfortable with religious references like sacred or holy.  Whether you are religious or completely secular in your views, whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, and unless you have absolutely no regard for human existence, I believe that all of us can agree that LIFE is valuable.  It has value. 

Now, I’m not going spend time on the ridiculous discussion as to whether or not an unborn baby is a life.  The medical science is irrefutable.  Just as science and medicine measure and record the ending of a life with the cessation of a heartbeat, science and medicine identify and monitor life in unborn babies by cell replication, heartbeat, movement, measurable growth, etc.  Referring to the fertilized egg as a fetus rather than a developing baby does not negate the recognition of and the definition of LIFE by science and medicine.  It does, however, help to remove some emotional attachment and some of the guilt that is usually associated with the decision to abort.  I’m not talking about the guilt that is sometimes thrust upon women who have had abortions by angry or passionate pro-lifers.  I’m talking about the guilt and/or emotional trauma that is automatically experienced by the majority of women who choose to have an abortion.  There is an emotional and biological connection to the unborn baby that existed within the woman, whether or not she recognizes that life as a fetus or a baby…or even as a life at all. 

I must also be clear in stating that I do believe that there are rare exceptions when abortion might be necessary, such as in instances where the life of the mother is at risk, or in cases of rape, for example. 

Having said all of that, and having made my personal beliefs known, I will now get to the point I want to make here which is this:

IF it should be a person’s right to choose abortion, and…

IF we put our trust in medicine and science to determine what life is and when it occurs…

THEN isn’t choosing to have an abortion actually acting on behalf of someone else who is a recognized LIFE, but who didn’t have any choice at all?

FINALLY, shouldn’t we refer to that as a pro-choice/no choice position (if we’re really being honest with ourselves about it)?

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

Yes, parenting is a job.  Most people understand that, but I would go so far as saying that raising children is both the greatest honor and the greatest responsibility anyone can assume.  What other job in the world provides the opportunity for one or two (preferably two) individuals to literally shape tiny little life forms into adulthood and beyond, guided entirely by what the parents believe is important and right (And there is no required, preferred method or procedure to be followed, at least not as far as the world is concerned)?  Parenting is the only job in existence that affords individuals such complete autonomy and control over something that is of limitless potential and value – another human life. 

Being a parent is not one thing; It is a million things – large and small, profound and trivial – all working together, creating an amalgamation that will eventually manifest as a completely unique and fully developed adult human.  If the parenting job was done well, that human will go forth into society and the world leaving a mark upon humanity that will potentially leave a ripple effect for generations to follow.  Whether or not the child’s impact on the world around them is positive or negative, for good or ill, can be and is often determined largely by the direct influence of their parents, as well as the influence of other close family members and the overall home environment. 

Not only is raising children a great responsibility and opportunity, but many believe that mothers and fathers have a sacred duty to love, protect, provide for, teach and influence children from a religious perspective.  And, in that respect, are we not all literally children of God (or a Higher Power), temporarily entrusted to the care of our earthly parents for a period of time?  If your father trusted you with the total care and custody of your younger brothers and sisters, would you not want to do your best in loving, caring for, protecting, teaching, and developing those children?  And if the owner of your company entrusted you with the only existing prototype of a unique creation with limitless potential and earning power for the business, wouldn’t you guard it, care for it, and try to develop it as if your very life depended on it? 

Well, all of these little lives are depending on us (whether or not we prefer the religious or the secular analogy).  Tiny.  Little.  Humans.  We can’t simply add food, add water, and watch them grow.  Although, unfortunately, that is what some people do – and some do far less, or even far worse (and God help those). 

So, how should we raise these little souls, providing them the absolute best opportunity they can possibly have in this world?  Obviously, not all factors are under the direct control of every parent.  Some will experience economic challenges while others may be wealthy, for example.  Some will experience far greater stress and adversity simply because they were born into one family rather than another.  This being the case, how can we help to level the playing field for them?  Every child deserves the best possible shot at happiness, growth, and success in this life and all of that begins with parenting throughout the child’s developmental years.  Parenting style, family relationships and structure, family traditions, time spent together, etc. etc.  Yes, there are biological/genetic predispositions that can play a part in child developments; However, many researchers and other professionals agree that environmental factors are the most important contributors to eventual outcomes for developing children.

Diana Baumrind, a prominent researcher who is behind the parenting style typology widely recognized today, identified authoritative parenting as the preferred parenting style for encouraging the healthy development of children (Successful Marriages and Families p. 105).  The parenting principles outlined in The Family Proclamation, issued in 1995 by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, closely coincide with the authoritative parenting style.

Parents should consider seriously the following for each of their children, adapted accordingly for each child:

• Love, warmth, and support
• Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
• Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt
• Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

(Successful Marriages and Families p. 105)

“The optimal parenting style is the authoritative parenting style.  Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 108).

“We the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God…”

Traditional marriage between a man and a woman is the most commonly practiced type of marriage, and it is still strongly supported by large portions of the population, both religious and secular.  I myself am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I believe in marriage between a man and a woman as outlined in The Family, A Proclamation To The World, which was issued by our prophet and apostles in 1995.   Religious convictions aside, there is a large amount of secular, academic, clinical research available which supports the assertion that a traditional family unit provides the best chance for a healthy, stable, loving home.  This, in turn, lays a foundation for lasting marriages/partnerships and for raising children who are likely to become successful, contributing members of societies.  Now, before you shoot the messenger, don’t take my word for it.  Check it out yourself (but, by all means, don’t just do a Google search and believe whatever pops up.  That isn’t research.)

I also need to clarify at this point that, just because my personal beliefs fall within the traditional sector this doesn’t mean that I don’t fully recognize that there are successful exceptions to this ideal.  Certainly, there are single parents who raise healthy, successful children.  There are also cohabiting couples who never marry and whose children grow up to be wonderful contributors to society.  And, yes, there are even many gay couples, either married or cohabiting, that raise wonderful families and have happy relationships.  I’m not saying that traditional marriage is the only option that can and will work in every instance.  What I am saying is that there is a large body of clinical research, conducted over the course of decades, which points to traditional marriage between a man and a woman, who are committed to each other, to the marriage, and to their children, as being the ideal family unit, statistically, for the greatest potential long-term success of the family.  It appears that – just like certain organizational structures work better than others within organizations, or certain vehicles have a higher safety rating and track record than others, or certain buildings are more structurally sound and able to withstand earthquakes and hurricanes – traditional family structure is statistically proven to provide the best odds when it comes to weathering life’s challenges.  Now, again, we must remember that success and happiness are not a given just because a man and a woman get married and have a family.  There are many moving parts and many factors that must collectively be considered in order to achieve success. 

What social scientists and their research (extensive academic research across multiple disciplines – decades long longitudinal research, cross-national surveys comparing countries, and data from economists, medical scientists, sociologists, etc.) says about traditional marriage:

• “A stable marriage [corresponds] with happiness, health, prosperity, and the well-being of offspring and communities” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 71).
• “Marriage fully merits the sacrifices required for lifelong commitment and, as a whole, rewards those who accept its boundaries” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 71).
• “Married couples, including wives, are far from oppressed” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 71).
• “Married adults are clearly healthier than their non-married counterparts” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 71).
• “Married people are generally happier…with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health”  (Successful Marriages and Families p. 71).
• “Marriage reduces the risk of mental disorders for both men and women” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 72).
• “Committed couples hunker down and stay the course together [through life’s ups and downs]” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 72).
• “[According to economists], much of the financial instability of minorities living in poverty can be attributed to low levels of marriage and high levels of cohabitation and children born to unmarried mothers” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 73).
• “Two economists who studied a random sample of 16,000 men and women in the United States [established] that the greatest happiness comes in a monogamous marital relationship” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 73).
• A study conducted, with data collected on 18,000 adults in 17 countries, carefully controlling for sociodemographic differences, found that “in 16 of the 17 countries, the married displayed significantly higher levels of happiness than their single, divorced, or widowed counterparts” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 73).
• “Mutual commitment…is what distinguishes marriage from other relationships” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 74).
• “Marriage [is] a long-term investment with satisfaction levels going up and down over time” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 74).
• “Couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce and lower levels of marital quality” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 75).
• “Children who grow up without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty and commit crime, nine times more likely to drop out of schools, and 20 times more likely to spend time in prison” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 76).

Every one of the above bullet points is based on documented, empirical evidence and research conducted by professionals.  Whether conservative or liberal, religious or secular, pro- marriage or not, this body of evidence speaks for itself.  Traditional marriage IS, in fact, a good thing, generally speaking.

“The Family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children…..Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”

It almost seems stupid to have to ask this question at all, right?  Everyone knows that families are important.  We either know it from our own familial experiences, or from a desire to have the types of family relationships that we observe in those around us.  Why wouldn’t one want to be part of a happy, healthy, loving family?  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Well, yes, but….. it turns out that the basis for the critical importance of the family is much less recognized, understood, valued, and taught than it should be.  Even those who have strong traditional family values probably do not fully understand or comprehend all of the reasons that healthy, stable, loving family units are so invaluable. 

To complicate matters significantly, we have a world population with very diverse experience, knowledge, values, and belief systems, relative to their own personal family relationships.  For example, a child who grows up in an orphanage may develop a value system that places the importance of an intact family unit above all else.  Whereas, a child raised by a single parent may either A) Not see the need for two parents in the home, or B) Understand more fully what might have been missing as a result of the absence of one parent – no matter how loving or caring their custodial parent is.  Further, a child who witnessed their parents in an abusive marriage may never want to marry or have children of their own.  These are just several of countless possible examples, variations of the family unit that exist in societies today.  What’s my point, you ask?  My point in referencing these scenarios is to illustrate that no matter what our own personal experience was or is, all people need to understand why we should do all in our power to seek, to build, and to maintain complete, traditional family units.  And, yes, this means men and women who are married, and who are committed to both each other and their children.

In addition to mounds of research-backed evidence recognizing the value of traditional families, prominent figures throughout generations have acknowledged the family unit as the very foundation of societies and civilizations.  Let’s face it – If we really value the wisdom of some of the most well-respected, intelligent, educated, esteemed, and even inspired individuals who have existed since time began, why don’t we, too, protect and sing the praises of the intact family unit?  If a nation is, in fact, only as strong as its families, what does that say about the state of families today in many countries, including the United States?  All we have to do is look around, watch the news, glance at social media (or observe the behavior and discourse of our representatives in Washington D.C., if we’re really being honest with ourselves), to see that something must be fundamentally wrong in our societies and civilizations today.  This isn’t to say that it’s all bad.  There is still much good in the world, and even in many families.  However, the statistics and the evidence do not lie; Many of the sorrows, challenges, and ills of the world correspond closely with an increasing decline in morality and the value placed on traditional family relationships. 

So, to get off of that soapbox and sum things up for you… Following is a list of what some prominent individuals have said about the importance of the family: 

1.  Aristotle taught that marriage [and, therefore, family] were the foundation of the republic.

2.  Plato and Aristotle supported marital laws ensuring the bonds between parents and children.

3.  St. John Chrysostem believed that the “love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together…”

4.  “The decline in family integrity is associated with decline in civic participation and community life” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 280).

5.  “The family is the unit of society in which relationships, patterns of behavior, and values are first, and most firmly, inculcated and acquired” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 280).

6.  “Families are…the most significant means of transmission of core values from one generation to the next” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 280).

7.  “Societies and communities with weak and unstable marriages and families have weak and unstable (typically corrupt and dysfunctional) economic, social, and political relations as well”  (Successful Marriages and Families p. 281).

8.  Pope John Paul II – “As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the whole world in which we live” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 281).

9.  President Gordon B. Hinkley – “A nation will rise no higher than the strength of its homes.  If you want to reform a nation, you begin with its families” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 281).

10.  Elder Neal A. Maxwell – “As parenting declines, the need for policing increases.  There will always be a shortage of police if there is a shortage of effective parents.  Likewise, there will not be enough prisons if there are not enough good homes” (Successful Marriages and Families p. 281).